Ambivalence

Another run in the humidity left me discouraged.

A pain in my leg and a restless night of sleep made it difficult to get out of bed and lift weights this morning.

The realization that the difference between working hard to achieve your goals and the results you get from just doing "whatever" are hard to discern sometimes left me feeling ambivalent.

And as I often find, the way I feel about fitness is a pretty good mirror about how I feel about life.  Sometimes I wonder what would really happen if I just walked away from it all.  Mainly because I feel like I'm working my butt off and seeing not so great results.  Many days, I'm convinced that if I just got vaporized and disappeared, it would matter for about 10 minutes ... and then the world would move on.

And yet, I'm convinced that a lot of the work I'm doing to stay healthy is the right thing to do.  I'm equally convinced that the work I'm doing to try and produce a quality radio broadcast and quality YouTube offerings each week is very important work.  I'm convinced that carefully planning what we need to safely re-enter our building is vital work, too.  And the work of trying to stay connected with the people of my congregation and to work on new models of ministry ... that those are all vitally important too.

In other words, I'm ambivalent.  I feel very strongly about two things.  1) Whatever I'm working on doesn't really matter, especially in the grand scheme of things; and 2) My work as a pastor, husband, dad, and person matters deeply.

I'm not sure how I can feel such incredibly opposite things at once.  But I'm also not sure how I can be both sinner and saint at the same time; or how the elements of communion can be both bread and wine and the body and blood of Christ at the same time; or how my Christian faith liberates me from obligation and burden and yokes me in service to me neighbor at the same time, too.

Often, some of the most exciting things in our life happen when we are ambivalent.  Or not.  I'm not super sure about that statement either.

May God bless you in the midst of your own ambivalence.  And strengthen you for the journey, especially a journey you're not sure is worth it -- and yet you know is important at the same time.

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